


Easy AU

by InterstellarVagabond



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Easy AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 17:43:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13529349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterstellarVagabond/pseuds/InterstellarVagabond
Summary: Taako Taaco is a slut. Or at least that's what the whole school thinks. Doing one favor for a fellow gay lands him in a whirlwind of lies and gossip, and he thinks he can handle it...until he can't. Based on the movie Easy A staring Emma Stone.





	Easy AU

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I'm mad that I can't just restage the whole musical number because we deserve to see that with Taako

Taako Taaco defintely had a name for himself at Neverwinter High, and that name was:

Skank.

To be fair he wasn’t that sexually active, it was mostly just due to the time he got caught making out with Sazed in the ladies bathroom.

Still, if there was one thing you could count on in high school it was lies. You could always count on lies being told as truths all day long, spread throughout the school at breakneck speed.

“So I heard you’re the new campus slut,” Lup said as she slid into the lunch table. She stole Taako’s fries and replaced them with her fruit, once again showing a hypocritical sense of care for her brother’s health. Taako stole one fry back and chomped on it in Lup’s face before replying.

“Oh? Is that so?” he asked. “Damn I’ve been busy.”

“It’s all lies of course.” Lup opened her milk and took a swig. “I mean, there’s no way you banged Magnus, that boy is way too straight for his own good.”

“Eh, he’s a little bi, but everyone knows he’s super straight for Julia,” Taako said.

“This is true, poor poor Magnus,” Lup sighed. The twins leaned against each other, eyeing up the cafeteria the way one usually eyes up a room full of potential enemies…or victims.

“But did you really get caught with Sazed in the bathroom?” Lup asked.

“Oh yeah, Highchurch caught us,” Taako said, gesturing towards the school counselor that was currently chatting up Principal Davenport in the lunch line. “He was chill about it, but Zed sure ain’t coming back for more after that scare.”

“Good, you bully that poor kid too much…and he’s a creep, I heard he was stealing dissecting frogs from science class,” Lup said.

“Like your boyfriend hasn’t being doing the same thing.” Taako rolled his eyes.

“Well at least Barry is using them for science. Sazed might just being eating them.” Lup playfully elbowed Taako in the ribs.

“Fair,” Taako laughed, stealing another fry back.

He knew how people in this school looked at him. Bad enough he was queer, now he was the queer slut. Not that he cared what people in this shithole thought of him. It was just high school, and he had less than a year left before he was out of the place. The only thing he even care about here besides Lup and that weird early learning genius kid Ango, was…

Kravitz.

Beautiful marching band Kravitz with his stupid beautiful nerd face.

He was the only thing Taako would miss from this shithole.

“So, you need a ride after detention?” Lup asked, reminding Taako of the obligation he’d been trying to forget. He groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Nah, I can walk. I still don’t think I deserve detention by the way, Leon is biased.”

“You called him a shitty cockfuck in front of the whole class,” Lup said with a deadpan look.

“Well he is a shitty cockfuck,” Taako said around a mouthful of something that barely qualified as pizza.

“Maybe you’ll rethink that statement after a few hours of good ol’ manual labor.” Lup patted Taako on the back. “See you after school, prisoner Taako.”

 

Detention wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Carey Fangbattle was with him and she was a least fairly cool, and probably the only other person in the school as queer as he was. That had to count for something right?

“So what landed you here?” Taako asked. “I mean you seem like a troublemaker but I dunno about detention.”

“I kinda…punched someone in the face,” Carey said, a forked tongue raking over her sharp fangs. “But I mean he was asking for it.”

“I’m sure he was,” Taako said, waving his wand at the mop until it sprung to life and started mopping the floors. The designated teacher watching them saw this and sprung to attention.

“Hey! No magic!”

“Fuck…fine…” Taako sighed, taking the mop gingerly in hand and starting a lackluster effort to scrub the floors. “So what did he do this guy?”

“Well you know, he hit me first and I hit back and maybe I would have been let off with a warning if I hadn’t called Leon a fascist for taking the d-bags side,” Carey said. “He’s homophobic so he kinda asked for it.”

“Oh, so the rumors are true?” Taako asked with a wink.

“Which rumors?”

“That Leon is a fascist of course.”

That earned a snicker from the dragonborn.

As Taako and Carey cleaned, something Taako thought was super unfair by the way (whatever happened to just sitting in a room quietly doing homework?) they got to chatting about school life and how vastly horrible it was for two people in their situation.

“I heard you got busted with Zed in the bathroom,” Carey said, checking her fangs in the reflection of the handicap rail of the bathroom stall.

“Who hasn’t heard that?” Taako sighed. “Not exactly news at this point, ‘Taako Taaco big ol’ whore read all about it!’”

Carey chuckled and ran her claws through some of the graffiti they were supposed to be cleaning.  “I don’t think you’re a whore.”

“Oh? Really?”

“Yeah, besides who cares? The idea of someone sucking because they have sex is bullshit.”

“I agree, you either have too much sex or not enough and either way you’re screwed right?” Taako said. “Pun intended.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Carey said. “What’s worse is they even care about WHO you have sex with.”

“Why don’t you just lie about it?” Taako asked, leaning out of the bathroom stall to make eye contact with Carey. “You know, like I always did before Sazed kinda blew my cover.”

“Oh jeez, pretend to be straight, yeah, why didn’t I think of that!” Carey rolled her eyes. “I’m a big ol’ dyke Taako, everyone can see that.”

“Shut up, people only see what they wanna see,” Taako snorted. “If you told people you fucked a dude I bet they’d forget about the lesbian thing real fast and go straight to the slutty dragon part.”

“That doesn’t sound like a better alternative,” Carey said.

“Hmm…to be a slut or gay…” Taako hummed to himself. “You’re right, that is a shitty choice.”

Carey cackled and threw her sponge at Taako, who retaliated by throwing his right back.

By the time they were done with detention, Carey had thought of a plan, and Taako could tell by how she phrased it that she wasn’t a hundred percent sure of it. She seemed really sorry to suggest it even, which threw Taako for a loop. Aside from his close circle of three maybe four friends (one of which was his sister) he didn’t really expect anyone to care about his feelings.

“So…what if I did convince people I’d slept with a guy?” Carey asked.

“Pardonnez?” Taako asked. They were standing on the curb, Carey was waiting for a ride from her friend Lucretia and Taako had nowhere to be yet so he figured he may as well wait with her.

“Like…maybe…,” Carey licked her fangs again and looked nervously at Taako. “Maybe you were my boyfriend?”

Taako laughed so hard his ribs hurt, and not just because Carey punched him in them.

“Yeah, that’s believable alright,” Taako snickered, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Shut up you asshole I mean it!” Carey said. “What if people thought we had sex? Do you think they’d leave us alone? You’d be the stud instead of the slut, and I’d be straight and…maybe that would last us the last few months we have in this hellhole.”

Taako looked at Carey. She was tiny for a dragonborn, thin and short. She could take care of herself but…she shouldn’t have to. He had Lup…who did Carey have?

“…maybe we could work something out,” Taako said.

“Really?” Carey perked up hopefully.

“Oh don’t sound so excited, I know everyone wants to get into bed with me but,” Taako was cut off as Carey cuffed him playfully around the ears. Then Lucretia pulled up in a beat up pickup and honked the horn, and Carey had to say her goodbyes. She’d had enough time to swap numbers with Taako though, and he now had enough time to come up with a plan

They saved it for Avi’s pool party. Honestly the only reason Avi threw parties at all was because drinking with friends was less frowned upon than drinking alone, and everyone wanted to hang at his house anyway because of the giant pool he had in the backyard.

Taako met Carey at nine sharp, and he even brought a corsage. Never let it be said that Taako Taaco was not classy as fuck.

Carey looked dashing in a cute little black number. Taako had thought about wearing something similar before he remembered they were supposed to be playing it straight for the night. So instead he borrowed an outfit from Lup and dressed as butch as possible. After a few tokes from a….totally organic and possibly illegal plant he’d bought off Merle after school hours, he felt he had enough confidence to actually go through with this.

“Okay, just follow my lead,” Taako said, throwing an arm around Carey and leading her into the party.

“Yep, I’m right behind you,” Carey said nervously.

“Hey! Avi!” Taako shouted across the room, getting the attention of the scruffy host. “You got a free room or what?”

“What?” Avi asked.

Taako decided to play it up a bit. He stole a drink from a nearby partygoer (who just so happened to be Magnus thank the gods, he would be chill about that) and chugged it in one go. “You know, a room where me and my lady friend can…be alone?”

“Uh…down the hall to the left?” Avi shrugged, jerking a thumb in the right direction.

“Thanks, hunk,” Taako said, forgetting at the last minute that he was supposed to be straight.

He and Carey booked it to the room, and pretty much everyone there had eyes glued to them. Taako locked the door and tossed his jacket over the doorknob to block what little sight the keyhole might offer.

“Okay, are you ready?” he asked.

“Fuck yeah,” Carey said, hopping up onto the bed.

“Moan,” Taako said, and Carey instantly laughed. “No fuck you, seriously moan you gotta sell this!”

“Oh!” Carey said, trying not to laugh. “Oh yeah! Oh, Taako you…you…” she laughed again and Taako shushed her, covering her snout.

“You’re so bad at this!” he hissed. “Like this. Oh…oh gods…oh oh…” he closed his eyes and thought of Kravitz. So sue him. He thought of Kravitz.

It was funny that he did, considering this room is the closest he’d ever been to the nerd. Back in eighth grade they’d been at a party here, and Taako had the great fortune of landing himself in seven minutes in heaven with Kravitz himself.

Kravitz had blushed and looked at his feet the whole time, and had asked Taako if maybe it was okay if they didn’t kiss.

“I’m sorry I just…I’m kinda…” he trailed off.

“No, no, I get it homie,” Taako said. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell them you rocked my world mmkay?”

“Really?” Kravitz looked at Taako with so much gratitude in his eyes. “Thank you Taako…thank you.”

Now Taako was back in this same room with Carey Fangbattle, pretending to have sex with her.

Taako and Carey had somehow ended up jumping on the bed, shushing each others giggles as they tried their best to give fake moans.

“Oh man! I’m so glad I clipped my claws for tonight!” Carey cried out.

“Hun,” Taako stopped jumping. “That’s really not gonna convince people you’re straight.”

“…cause I don’t…wanna leave scratch marks your manly back! Cause I’m a fragile girl! Woo!” Carey added.

“Okay, now punch me in the stomach,” Taako said, preparing himself for the pain.

“What?” Carey asked.

“Just do it, and be quick please, before I change my mind,” Taako winced and Carey did as he asked and punched him hard in the gut. Taako fell backwards onto the bed groaning loudly, and he could hear people cheering just outside the door.

Carey bent over Taako to make sure he was okay, and the elf did manage to uncurl himself from his ball of pain for a moment to give her a thumbs up. Carey laughed and pressed her forehead to Taako’s.

“Thank you, Taako. Seriously. Thank you for this.”

“Anytime, storm-breath,” Taako said. “Well…maybe just this one time.”

Carey kissed Taako on the cheek before leaving the room. Taako waited a moment for her to leave, not sure if he wanted to face a room of people who had just listened in on what could have been an intimate moment in his life.

He finally took a breath and went to face the music.

Carey seemed to be doing okay. She was talking with Lup over in a corner, and people were looking at her the way everyone looks at a girl that dares to have sex, but at least they weren’t looking at her like a fresh piece of gay meat they could tear to shreds.

Taako was so busy looking at Carey that he didn’t notice until it was too late that he was walking right into Kravitz.

“Oh! I’m sorry,” Kravitz said, fetching Taako’s hat from the ground and putting it back on his head. “Sorry.”

“No, my bad,” Taako laughed nervously. “Sorry…”

“I…haven’t seen you in awhile,” Kravitz said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I’ve seen you,” Taako spluttered. “Uh. I mean…like in the band and stuff…at games…I don’t really do sports but you know…Lup does and…I see you there.”

“Oh?” Kravitz smiled. “What do you think?”

“You’re good, I guess, I don’t really know much about music…” Taako laughed. “Uh…you always do…the uh…big xylophone thing?”

“The marimba?”

“Gesundheit.”

“Not always, no,” Kravitz laughed. “I did moving percussion for a while, and I do symphonic band as well…I dabble in a lot of instruments.”

“Cool…cool…” Taako fidgeted on the spot.

“Remember the last time we were here?” Kravitz asked, and Taako wasn’t sure if it was beer or something else that was making that gorgeous boy blush.

“…maybe…” Taako said, a sly smile springing to his lips.

“…maybe we could revisit that room sometime?” Kravitz blushed, practically covering his face in one hand.  He was trying really hard to be smooth, Taako could tell. And Taako was tempted to take Kravitz up on that offer but…

He could see Carey across the room, smiling and laughing with Lup. He felt sick.

“…not tonight, okay?” Taako shook his head. “Just…not tonight.”

“Oh, alright,” Kravitz said, and he didn’t look the least bit upset and Taako couldn’t decide if that made him happy or not. Like you could look a little disappointed and…not so worried…god.

Not that it mattered. All Taako needed was a coupla stiff drinks and a night of rest to forget about this and go right back to his old flirty self.  The whole thing was over now, right?

Wrong.

 

The day started off well enough, with Lup jumping onto his bed and teasingly telling him that if he didn’t wake up now he wouldn’t have enough time to make out with his girlfriend before first period. Taako told Lup to shove it and got ready, putting a little more thought into his outfit than usual. Whenever Taako needed a confidence boost he dressed himself up nice, because everyone knows that if you look put together you feel put together, right?

He turned a few more heads than usual, which to be fair wasn’t saying too much. However, there was quite a fair bit more whispering. Lots of “but isn’t he…you know…from New Elfington?” with vague and rather offensive swishy hand motions. Taako took it in stride, winking at Carey when they passed in the hall. Then Lucas showed up.

“Taako!”

“Oh god, nerd alert,” Taako groaned as the boy raced to catch up with him.

“Yeah, that’s the problem,” Lucas chuckled nervously. “I was wondering if you could help me?”

“Well your shirt doesn’t match your slacks and none of it matters anyway because you’ve spilled mustard on the collar,” Taako hummed, looking Lucas up and down.

“Not that!” Lucas shook his head. “I mean what you did for Carey.”

“Whoa, buy a guy dinner first, huh big boy?” Taako winked, running the tip of his tongue over his teeth. 

“What you _really_ did, Taako.”

“What’s the point of being a beard if she won’t commit?” Taako sighed. “Fine, what do you want, nerdlord?”

“I want that!” Lucas said, blushing a bit. “I…wanna know if I can tell people we…hooked up.”

“Fuck off Lucas.”

“No, no wait!” Lucas chased Taako down the hallway, catching up quickly to Taako’s high-heeled strides. “I can pay you!”

“What do I look like to you?” Taako rounded on Lucas. “Some kinda Goldcliff escort?”

“I mean…kinda,” Lucas shrugged, gesturing to Taako’s makeup and hoop earrings. Taako gasped, his face wrinkling up into a scowl. “I’m sorry! I just mean…I…I’m sorry Taako I just…high school is so hard you know? I have enough to worry about at home with my mom’s medical bills and I…I just can’t stand another day of being shoved into lockers…”

Lucas took a seat on a nearby bench and put his head in his hands. “Forget it…”

Taako rolled his eyes, and was about to flee the scene when something tugged at his heart. Was that…empathy? Gross.

“…I want a fucking eighty gold gift card to Fantasy Lush, I’m gonna need a lot of pampering to forget I agreed to this,” Taako hissed, getting up close to Lucas’s ear. “I didn’t fuck you, but I did let you make out with me for ten glorious minutes, and it was the height of your existence, and I let you touch my ears. Got it?”

“Fuck…yeah, yeah!” Lucas perked up, a smile forming on his face. “Yes! I-I’ll leave the card in your locker I…thank you Taako.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it creep,” Taako said, folding his arms over his chest. “You could have just asked me out you know.”

“What…really?” Lucas adjusted his glasses. “T-Taako…do you wanna-?”

“Not fucking now, dipshit,” Taako said, turning on his heel and stomping away.

 

Of course a high school hallway wasn’t the best place for secret deals to go down, and so it didn’t take long for the rumor to spread that Taako was having sex for money. Not even that much money, and the price seemed to vary depending on who you were talking to. Either way, word spread fast and loud enough that Merle felt the need to call Taako into his office for a little counseling.

“Sup, beardy?” Taako put his feet up on the desk, and Merle was quick to move a potted plant out of kicking range. He regarded Taako with a kind smile and folded his hands on the desk in front of him.

“I dunno Taako, why don’t you tell me?”

“That a trick question or…?”

“Is everything okay?” Merle asked. “Not fighting with Lup or anything? Anyone bothering you at school?”

“Noooo,” Taako snatched up a lollipop from the jar on Merle’s desk, unwrapping it and popping it in his mouth in one smooth motion. “Why? You hear something?”

“A lot of something, actually,” Merle said, and it sounded like there was genuine concern in his voice. “Taako…I know you’re a good kid, and smart enough to be safe if you’re having as much sex as I hear you’re having-“

“Whoa, inappropriate student teacher talk much?”

“Aw, kid I’m not gonna lie to you and say no one has sex, you high schoolers are pumped full of horomones!”

“I’m dying.”

“I wasn’t much older than you during my first time after all…”

“I’m dead, this is killing me, I’m dead now, Merle.”

“…but I just wanna look out for you, you know?” Merle said. “You’d tell me if something was wrong, right? Or some other adult you trust?”

“Adult? Trust? Oxymoron, huh?” Taako said and Merle chuckled.

“Just be careful, Taako. I’ll be here if you need me.”

By the time Merle set Taako free from awkward staff/student bonding time, the usual group of Cleric Camp freaks were waiting outside the door and shooting Taako some rather nasty looks. Taako sucked on his lollipop, pulling it from between his lips with a sensual gasp and delighted in the scowl it got him from one girl…a worshipper of Moradin Taako thought by the big ol’ hammer necklace.

“You’re only bringing judgement on yourself!” She called as Taako walked by.

“I judge myself to be one fine piece of ass then!” Taako called back, waving the lollipop in a jaunty farewell.

The money for lies arrangement worked well enough, and Taako and Lup definitely weren’t in a situation where they could turn down free cash. Not that Lup knew about any of this, Taako was determined to keep it a secret from her…probably his only secret from her.

She knew about Carey of course. The dragonborn had given Lup a gift for Taako by way of thank you: a gift card to the local cooking store and a rather lewd elven object meant for ear stimulation that he could use “to go fuck himself” were the gift card not enough. Taako had gotten a good laugh out of that one.

He figured Lup suspected what was going on, but she kept giving him worried looks and it was starting to get on his nerves a little.

“I’m a big elf, Lulu, I can handle myself,” he said over lunch one day, breaking the icy silence. A halfling had stopped by the table to deliver Taako’s payment, and had earned a bit of a tongue lashing about doing so in front of his sister.

“Why won’t you tell me what you’re getting into?” Lup asked.

“It’s boring, you’d fall asleep listening,” Taako lied, taking a sip of his chocolate milk.

“Try me.”

“Nah, not today, Lulu.”

“Taako?” Lup got right up in his face, shaking her head at the nickname. “No. Mmm mmm. Mmm mmm Taako. No Lulu if you’re gonna lie to my face.”

“I could lie to your back if that’s better,” Taako said.

“What’s gotten into you?” Lup sighed. “Like I don’t care if you wanna dress like a five copper tramp but at least you could tell me why you were doing it!”

“Whoa, you have a problem with how I’ve been dressing?” Taako asked, and Lup looked over his skimpy ensemble with a look that said: duh. “It’s none of your business, Lup.”

“You are my business, Taako!”

“Well maybe I shouldn’t be!”

Lup opened her mouth to argue, but then shut it again. She was angry but she mostly looked hurt. She shook her head and grabbed her lunch tray, leaving the table in a huff to go sit with Barry at the band table. Taako watched her go, his ears drooping a little. As he did he made eye contact with Kravitz who waved with a smile. Taako left the cafeteria, leaving his lunch where it was.

Taako did business with a lot of people, so it was easy to forget who exactly he was supposed to have slept with. Still, he didn’t remember sleeping with Moradin freak’s boyfriend, which is why it came as such a surprise when the dwarf slapped him across the face after gym class. Usually Lup would have jumped to his defense, but since he was really more embarrassed and confused then hurt she seemed to be fine with just watching it go down with a set jaw and twitching ears.

That’s what hurt Taako the most.

He’d never admit it to anyone, but…Merle usually had something to say that at least made him laugh if not feel better. So he found himself back at the man’s office that afternoon. Only Merle wasn’t in…his wife was.

Hekuba and Merle Highchurch were a well-known false marriage. One of those couples that hooked up too early and got pregnant, and then ended up staying together for the kids. Everyone knew Merle flirted with Davenport although he never did anything besides. Hekuba on the other hand….

“Taako!” the dwarven woman looked up from the desk as he walked in. “I-I was hoping to catch you. Please sit down, my husband isn’t here but…I need to talk to you.”

“Ooookay,” Taako said. “Is there some history problem or something? Cause I swear Magnus’s dog really did eat my homework last week.”

“No, no, it’s not about that it’s…” Hekuba chewed her lip and shook her head, frustrated tears forming in her eyes.

“Are you…crying?” Taako’s mouth went agape, and he felt deeply uncomfortable with one of his teachers bursting into tears in front of him.

“Taako…I made a huge mistake,” Hekuba gasped. “I’m the one who slept with Reggie…he’s legal it’s totally legal but…you know I can’t let the school find out but…then he blamed you to his parents and…” Hekuba started openly sobbing, falling back into the desk chair and shaking her head as she cupped it in her hands.

“Whoa, h-hey,” Taako kind of patted the air around her, wishing she’d stop crying. His stomach was turning nervously. “I uh…” he caught a picture out of the corner of his eye, sitting on Merle’s desk. It was Hekuba and Merle, their two children sitting on their laps and putting on their best picture day smile. Those smiles wouldn’t last long once they found out mommy was screwing barely legal students while daddy was working.

“…it could have been me,” Taako said with a shrug. “I…I’ve been…getting around lately. Who’s to say it wasn’t me?”

“What?” Hekuba sniffiled. “Taako you’d…you’d do that for me?”

“What’s one more notch on my bedpost, huh?” Taako gave a sickeningly fake smile, and flinched when Hekuba grabbed him in a hug.

“Thank you Taako.”

“Yeah uh…don’t mention it…seriously.”

When Taako left Merle’s office he came face to face with Lup. Her ears were almost touching her shoulders they were down so low, and Taako’s were quick to mirror. He looked at his feet, hoping maybe she wouldn’t say anything and would let him walk by in peace. But she stopped him, lifted his chin up so he’d look her in the eye.

“Seriously, Taako?” she asked. “Reggie Ironfist? What’s gotten into you?”

The fact that she believed the lie so quickly hit Taako like a ton of bricks, he could pretty much feel the air being driven out of him. He shook his head, his mouth pulled tight into an angry line.

“Well…Reggie did, apparently,” he said, throwing his hands in the air and letting them fall back down against his sides with a loud slap. He pushed past Lup just in time to see the protestors lining the hallway, waving signs with crudely written slogans and pictures of religious symbols. Of course Moradin girl was leading the mob, spitting vitriol as he walked past.

Taako knew he wasn’t helping his case very much but…did all of these people really think he was some kind of skank? And even if he was, why was it any of their goddamn business??

“Taako.” Taako turned around to see Kravitz looking at him with a worried expression. “Are you…just…screw these people, okay?”

“Oh, haven’t you heard?” Taako laughed coldly. “I already did.”

He left Kravitz standing there, and didn’t look back so there’d be no chance of Kravitz seeing the tears he was wiping away from his eyes.

 

The next few days went by peacefully enough. The protests stopped after Merle and Davenport had a stern talking to with the offending students, Taako was grateful for that though he wasn’t ready to go and show his gratitude to Merle. He didn’t think he could face him after agreeing to lie for his wife.

So Taako just sat alone during lunch, glad to be free of the chanting and sign waving if nothing else. He usually at lunch alone these days, so he was surprised when Edward slid into the empty spot next to him.

Taako and Lup of course knew Edward and Lydia. Elven twins were rare enough, but elf triplets were way more so (though not many people knew about the third brother Keetz, who was rumored to be in and out of the hospital on the regular). Either way, it was hard for either party to miss each other in such a small school. They’d never talked before that day though.

“Hey Taako, how are you?” Edward asked with a smile brighter than his outfit. A rather nice outfit Taako had to admit.

“Well, I’ve been better,” Taako shrugged and Edward nodded sympathetically. “What can I do for you, stud?”

“I was wondering if you were free tonight,” Edward said. “I was thinking maybe we hit the town, tear up every dance floor in Faerun?”

Taako blushed happily, this was the first actual date he’d been asked on since this whole thing started. “Really? Well we could just go to Fantasy Red Lobster it is closer than any local discotheque after all.”

“Sounds great,” Edward said. “Pick you up at seven?”

“Y-yeah, it’s a date,” Taako beamed.  He was so happy he didn’t even look back at Lup’s table for the rest of lunch.

The date went well enough, until Barry and Lup showed up. Though Taako was a little bit distracted by the fact that Kravitz was waiting tables not four feet away. Trust the universe to put him on a date and then put his old crush right next to him. Still, it had been fine till he’d seen Lup.

“Fuck…” Taako sighed under his breath, watching the couple walk to their table.

“Something wrong?” Edward asked.

“Just…someone I’ve been trying to avoid walked in…” Taako said. Trying was the key word since he lived with Lup. He’d been staying out late a lot of nights so he could sneak in after she’d gone to bed and eat some cold cereal for dinner before passing out.

“Well, let me get the check and we’ll go somewhere more fun, hmm?” Edward purred.

Taako wasn’t sure what Edward had meant by more fun, but he was sure it wasn’t supposed to be the hood of his car. The elf sat down and patted the space next to him, inviting Taako to sit.

“I…had a really good time…” Taako said, tucking some loose hair behind his ear.

“Me too,” Edward replied cordially. “And it’s not over yet.”

“It’s not?”

Edward reached into his pocket and pulled out a Fantasy Visa gift card. Two hundred gold. Just the sorta thing a rich kid like him would have.

“At least, I’m hoping it’s not,” Edward said with a wink, passing the card over to Taako.

“Oh…” the air left Taako’s lungs and he felt his shoulders droop. “….I didn’t know…this was…so what did we do on this date?”

“Whatever two hundred will get me,” Edward said with a sly grin, moving in and kissing Taako. Taako pulled away, shaking his head. This is not the kind of kiss he was looking to get tonight.

“No, no that’s not how this works,” Taako said.

“Shhh…” Edward shushed him, brushing a thumb against Taako’s ear and that’s when the elf got off the hood of the car.

“I’m not fucking people for money!” Taako shouted. “I’m letting people say I fucked them for money!”

“Hey, don’t stress so much, okay?” Edward pursued Taako, grabbing one arm and leaning in for another kiss. Taako slapped him and pulled away, his hair falling loose around a reddening face.

“What are you doing?” Edward shouted, rubbing the sore spot on his cheek as Taako tried to flee. “I paid you!”

“Fuck you!” Taako threw the card back, and hit Edward in the chest with it.

“You little slut!” Edward hissed, grabbing the card and ducking into his car. He tore out of the parking lot so fast his tires left marks on the asphalt. Taako just hugged himself and tried to will the tears to stop. This wasn’t fair. This was supposed to be fun, why couldn’t he just have some fucking fun for once?

“Taako!”

Fuck. Of course.

Kravitz ran over, he looked like he was going to put his hands on Taako’s shoulders but then thought better of it and pulled them back. “A-are you okay?”

“I’m fine…I’m just peachy,” Taako sniffled, wiping at his eyes with a balled up fist.

“…do you need a ride?” Kravitz asked.

“What, is your shift over?”

“No.” Kravitz looked at Taako with so much concern in his eyes, and not the condescending kind either. He just looked like he was really upset that Taako was hurt.

“…heh, well if you rather skip work to hang with me…guess that’s cool…”

Kravitz had a nice car. Well…it was an old beat up car, but it was clean and cute in a sort of vintage way. Taako noticed a keyboard in the backseat and smiled a bit. Then he remembered Edward’s tongue in his mouth and frowned again.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Taako looked up at Kravitz who was kindly keeping his eyes on the road. Taako sighed and put his head in his hands.

“…everyone thinks I’m a slut and…I guess I must be, huh?”

“What?”

“Oh, like you haven’t heard what people have been saying.” Taako rolled his eyes.

“I don’t care what people say about you, they’re not you,” Kravitz said with a shrug. “Besides, who cares? Your sexual or romantic life is none of their business.”

“…heh, right?” Taako smiled a bit. “That’s what I’ve been saying.”

There was a pause, and then Taako spoke up again.

“I haven’t been having sex with any of those people.”

“I know.”

“What?” Taako squinted. “Who told you?”

“No one had to tell me, Taako,” Kravitz chuckled, a blush rising to his cheeks. “I remember once upon a time, a scared little kid out of his depth at a party he didn’t even want to be at…asked someone to keep a secret for him and he did.”

Taako’s ears twitched a bit, following the twitching of his lips into a grin. “You remember that?”

“Of course I do,” Kravitz smiled against one of his hands. “Sometimes…I pretend you really were my first kiss.”

“Heh. You’re allowed. So who was the real lucky person?”

“Uh…I guess I’ll…let you know.”

“What?” Taako surged forward. “You haven’t kissed anybody?”

“…no,” Kravitz said, a nervous chuckle escaping him.

“You. Gorgeous Kravitz. Sexy drum major Kravitz. You’ve never been kissed?”

“I uh…I guess I’ve been waiting for the right person,” Kravitz said as he turned into Taako’s driveway. Taako looked at Kravitz, and Kravitz blushed.

“Yeah...I wish I’d known that before trying to forget you by shoving my tongue down Sazed’s throat,” Taako laughed.

“What?” Kravitz blushed, his eyes widening.

“What?” Taako said back, also reddening. He searched for a way to change the subject and realized that he’d never given Kravitz his address. “Hang on…how did you know where I live?”

“We used to carpool…” Kravitz cleared his throat.

“Yeah, in third grade. That’s kinda creepy you know, do you have everyone’s address tucked into that brain of yours?” Taako teased.

“Well…just the ones worth remembering,” Kravitz tried to hide his embarrassment by turning away. “It is a little creepy isn’t it? Hah…sorry about that.”

“Hey. Remember back in middle school when you used to talk in that phoney cockney accent?” Taako said, and Kravitz laughed.

“I was going through a phase!”

“Nah, Lup and me wearing all black and too much eyeliner was a phase, that was _inspired_ my man.”

Kravitz and Taako laughed for a bit before suddenly they realized how close they were. Maybe it was the small car or maybe they’d just started leaning for each other, but they were inches away. Taako could smell Kravitz’s cologne.

“…no,  I don’t wanna kiss you…” Taako murmured.

“Oh…” Kravitz said, trying not to sound disappointed.

“Oh, no no, bubbeleh, I wanna kiss you just…not like this,” Taako said. “Not after Edward smeared glitter all over my face trying to mack on me, not after I found out you’ve never been kissed…I want it to be magical I…want something to finally be romantic for once in my life. My life is a mess right now and I don’t wanna drag you into that.”

“What if I wanna be dragged into it?” Kravitz asked, his eyes almost scarily serious.

“Sweetheart…” Taako laughed. “My own sister doesn’t wanna get dragged into it.”

“She’s just worried…” Kravitz said. “She…she regrets getting so angry with you but…she doesn’t think you’ll forgive her and open up to her just yet…”

“You’ve been talking with her?” Taako asked.

“She’s in the band room a lot to see Barry. I caught them playing hide and seek in the instrument storage lockers one time.”

“Sounds like them,” Taako laughed breathlessly. “Still…wait for me to figure this out…?”

“I’ll wait as long as you need,” Kravitz said with a nod. Taako felt his heart swell.

 

It was time to clear his name, and he knew just the person to do it. He felt bad asking Carey to out herself after all that work they put into closeting her in the first place, but…Taako decided it was time to go back to being selfish old Taako.

Unfortunately fate had other plans.

“TAAKO!” Magnus almost collided with him outside the school. “Did you hear?? Carey ran away from home with some big hulking orc lady! She left some note that said ‘I’m gay bitches’ and skipped town! It’s so fucking awesome!”

“Damn…my apologies to fantasy Mark Twain…” Taako thought aloud.

“What?” Magnus asked.

“Hmm?”

“Something about Mark Twain?”

“You’re funny!”

“Yeah heh…okay I’m gonna go.”

With that bridge burned Taako went to every other one of his clients to try and convince one of them to help.

“No way!” Lucas said. “Do you know how many people I’ve hooked up with because I said I was with you? I think maybe I have a shot at Noelle!”

“You leave that poor girl alone,” Taako sighed. “C’mon man, please?”

“Nu-uh, sorry Taako but I paid you for this.”

Taako knocked the books out of Lucas’s hands and didn’t even feel bad about it.

He had the same luck with Brad and Klarg, Artemis, Graham “Juicy” Graham, and Brody. Taako was really banking on Hekuba having a crisis of conscience but it turns out all those maternal instincts don’t count for shit.

“Well, we made our decisions, Taako, can’t go back now,” she said, erasing the chalkboard in front of her with a calm collected demeanor.

“I could just tell everyone then and get you fired and put in jail!” Taako shot back.

“Well first of all it’s entirely fucking legal,” Hekuba whipped around, cool demeanor evaporating like rain on a hot day. “And ask yourself, who would you believe huh? A well-respected teacher? Or known tramp Taako Taaco? Huh? Who would you believe? Who would you fucking believe, huh?”

Dead end there, and sure Hekuba was fucking evil but that didn’t mean Taako felt good about what he did next.

“Your wife slept with a student and fucking gave him the clap and now she’s trying to blame me!” Taako screamed as he ran into Merle’s office. The dwarf paused halfway into watering one of his plants and looked at Taako with a shocked expression.

“What?”

“…I-I’m…I’m sorry.” Taako shook his head, feeling more guilty doing this than maybe anything else he’d ever done. Merle needed to know but…like this? “I’m sorry…”

Taako tried to make a run for it but Merle grabbed his arm. “Taako, sit down, it’s okay just…sit down.”

Taako did as he was told and Merle sighed and poured them both a cup of coffee from the perpetually full pot he kept on his desk. He watched Taako take his mug with shaking hands and he passed the elf some sugar packets.

“…thank you, Taako,” Merle said.

“What?” Taako shook his head. “I probably just ruined your marriage?”

“Aw hell, it was already ruined,” Merle chuckled a bit sadly. “At least this way I’ve got a pretty decent argument for custody right? I…I’m not mad at you Taako. You’re a kid and she’s an adult and if she’s really trying to blame you, then I’m glad you came and told me.”

“…you are?”

“I look out for my kids, Taako. Mavis and Mookie and my students. I’m not gonna let some grown adult bully you,” Merle said. “How can I help you get out of this?”

Taako thought about it, chewing his lip. Then he took a sip of coffee and looked at Merle with a curious gaze. “Well…you could keep me from getting expelled after I go through with emergency plan b.”

 

To be fair, he probably could have just asked Merle to tell the school board or something, but Taako always did have a flair for the dramatic. Besides, he had an in with the band already knowing Kravitz and Barry, and was it really a happy ending without a random musical number for no reason?

Barry wasn’t sure about the idea, but Kravitz loved it so much it basically put stars in his eyes. Taako knew he liked that dramatic boy for a reason.

So, at the next pep rally, Taako got ready to make sure all eyes were on him so he could get his message out.

 

Kravitz even shined his trumpet for the occasion, and Taako wore quite possibly the sexiest outfit in his “self-proclaimed slut” wardrobe.

As Taako sang his way across the gymnasium floor, dancing with Kravitz whenever he came to a rest in his part, he saw Lup in the stands. She didn’t look like she was still mad…in fact she was laughing her ass off.

Taako walked up the stairs to where she sat in the bleachers and deposited his feathery boa around her shoulders while she cackled and clapped. Just like that it was all fixed, and he could have kicked himself for thinking anything could get between him and his sister. He pulled her out of her seat and down to where Barry was blushing furiously, and the pair of them danced out the end of Taako’s little solo performance.

When they ended, hands thrown up in a killer pose, Taako could see off in the corner next to where Merle was losing his mind laughing Principal Davenport had a vein nearly bursting out of his head. He had to get his message out quick before he got expelled.

“If you thought that show was good, log on to my blog tonight and Krav and I here will really give you a show,” Taako winked, grabbing Kravitz by the collar and leaning back dramatically. Kravitz laughed and the crowd went wild.

“TAAKO TAACO!”

Whoops, that was his cue to go.

“SorryPrinci’portpromiseIhaveagoodexplanationbye!” Taako grabbed Kravitz’s hand and took off as fast as his heels would let him while the crowd cheered him on.

And that is the story of how Taako came to be sitting in front of his webcam while his sister watched from the bed, shooting him thumbs up and blowing kisses as he told his story to the entire school…and even some parents who Taako really thought should be finding better ways to spend their time than logging into a high schooler’s apparent sex video. He saw Merle’s tag in the chatroom, and he smiled, thinking about how the counselor had had his back no questions asked. He also saw Carey’s for a moment, but the dragonborn didn’t stick around for long. Unbeknownst to Taako she and Killian had a movie night planned and they were happy to leave Carey’s closeted past just where it should be…the past.

“So that’s the story, sorry to like…blow your minds and all but, whatcha gonna do cha’boy’s always been tricky about these things,” Taako said with a shrug. “And actually, nah I’m not sorry, because you know what? None of this was any of your goddamn business to begin with, but you made it your business. High school’s like that I know, but maybe you should all focus a little more on your lives and a little less on mine.”

Suddenly there was a sound from the window, and Taako looked over at Lup who shrugged. She went to the window and a smile creased her lips. “You better come see this, Ko.”

Taako walked over to the window and laughed as he saw Kravitz standing out on the lawn with his keyboard out, playing some cheesy melody from a movie way past it’s time.

“I hope this is romantic? I saw it in a movie once?” Kravitz shouted up at the window with a nervous smile. Taako laughed and ran back to the webcam. “Well that’s my cue, my man’s here and you know what…I think I owe him a first kiss. Not that I owe any of you that little juicy fact of course…consider it the last look you get into Taako Taaco’s romantic life. See yourselves out, leeches.”

Taako closed his computer, leaving several viewers frustrated and banging on the keyboard as he left without doing one sexy thing. Merle smiled at his laptop, proud of the kid who had been so strong in the face of a rather tough problem. Hekuba walked by, but she knew better than to say anything to Merle. The divorce papers were already going through, and honestly Merle was surprised that he wasn’t the one that had messed up this marriage, and he was surprised it had lasted this long.

Lup gave her brother a tight hug before he ran out onto the lawn to tackle Kravitz to the ground, kissing him soundly without so much as an apology for the grass stains he’d probably left on his suit. Kravitz blushed, and smiled in a way Taako wanted to burn into his memory forever.

“Wow…” Kravitz breathed.

“Wow,” Taako agreed.


End file.
